I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
