remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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