ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize