i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
