I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
