the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
