not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
