mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My vagina is officially offended.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
