She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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