he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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