i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
