your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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