Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
