Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
