i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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