god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
