you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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