dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
