I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
