I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
