I think I won the penis lottery.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
