Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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