I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
