it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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