Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
