Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
