The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
