oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
