i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
