The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
