The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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