Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
