Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
