he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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