Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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