I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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