We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
