Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
