So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
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Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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