i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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