I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
