I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
