Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
