Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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