Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
