I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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