i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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