the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
