I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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