I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
