I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
