if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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