I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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