I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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