Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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